Can we classify this as an accomplishment?

Dear 2009,

You were wonderful, dreadful and exciting. Today you are over, and I am thrilled to close this chapter of my life. I have graduated with my associates, transferred successfully to a premier four year liberal arts institution, found love and lost love, gained friends and lost friends, traveled abroad to Ireland, traveled long distances in my trusty steed Stella the civic, laughed a lot and wept during times of importance.

What can be said about you 2009 is that I have changed tremendously as a result. When I work it I work the fuck out of it, regardless of what it may be, but still I find myself caught up in old games, and this years resolution will be to leave it on the table present myself the best I can and simply hope for the best but expect the absolute worst.

Sincerely yours,
A walker of this life.

Yeah, I had gay friends. The first thing I realized was that everybody's different, and it becomes obvious that all of the gay stereotypes are ridiculous. - Bruce Springsteen

Reaching

new degrees.

Towards yesterday.

Do you ever get the idea that you can and never will be able to do something right, in every aspect of life I feel this, that I will always fall short, that I will never reach the end of something, that I will never find the good.

Currently I sit in bed, under covers in bj's sulking about life and the trials and tribulations that have been surrounding me. I know that often times I over think things, put stresses where they do not belong and sit alone for no reason. But today its awkwardly warm for december, its two days past Christmas and I again fall short.

The semester is over, cheers for that, but still what have I gained if anything. Knowledge that its not always about me, or knowing that I put myself last in my life so I allow everyone else to do the same? I question everyones motives with me, I wonder if there ever will be someone to love me first from the beginning, I wonder if I will find me in the process.

Oh to be 20, this decade will be a roller coaster I know it.

Yesterday in a car with a friend I have known upwards of 7 years (crazy) we have shared countless memories, of childhood youth of getting older of heartbreak of love and we have been there supporting each other without even knowing it. I have never had a disagreement with this friend, a true soul mate, we do not argue, we just are each others friend; and good ones. Talking about the issues we face in the present and what we hope for the future with the undertowns of Jay-Z, Stars and School of Seven Bells humming in the background as we travel to a favorite destination of Newbury Comics.

I expect what she expects; support.

Things have been hectic, sleep hasn't happened, but life goes on. We try to catch it in the moment, in the eye of another or in the laugh of a loved one. We know that we must be patient in life, wait for others to come around to the ideas of things but in this hectic world we desire instant gratification and response as speedy as a text message.

... and the verdict is

DONEZO!!

First semester at a new school officially completed! There have been bumps (many) along this windy road, but I have found that I can in fact make it here, and I will! I could sleep for days, I think everything in me has suddenly hit that I have been awake and running like a made women for days/weeks/months.

All in all I have learned more and retained more in the past semester then I think I have in years. Great start, a nice kick start to remind me why I chose Mt.Holyoke over others; I deserve this education.

Today I have a few errands to run, coffee to consume and a two hour drive up to the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I will be surrounded by family for the next few days, hustle and bustle of presents, spirits and cheer. Christmas is always a time for celebrating the ones you love, keep it fresh and with a sprig of Holly!

In the Holiday spirit

Should be finishing my paper, but honestly I am so over this semester I could care less. Give it an hour and I will care, for now however.

If you could only see

Tis true, I have been making bad decisions since 1989. First with placing my hand on a hot stove, then tumbling down staircases, now ladiessssssss.

One class completely completed as of 10pm last evening, just have to make it to class in 20 minutes, so thrilled to be completed with Political Ecology.

Fact: I am not a ecologist
Fact: I can do more for the environment
Fact: I fucking earned this A-/B+ grade

Huzzah, last day of classes is tomorrow, I will be home wednesday to finish/start a paper do the 22nd.

It-will-be-over-before-Jesus-day.

More legit entries soon to follow. January will be full of tattoos, yoga, and volunteer hours coupled with lots of tea and friendships.

Pretty much on target

Typical Notion

.... and when I get that feeling that I have become a number again it reignites my flame.

These words reflect

Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release

Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief

Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace

It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief
- Florence and the Machine

Beautiful let down, just a few more weeks and this semester will be over. Just two more days and this paper will be out of my life... as I edit I dont give a shit what I get on it, as long as its higher then a c- my work here is done. Damn you Political Ecology and philosophies I do not understand. Gosh.

whose the biggest loser?

ME!!

25 pounds down in two and a half months, wasn't planning on it, but we will see how much more I will in the weeks to come....

Why we love GAGA

http://perezhilton.com/2009-11-22-why-the-gays-love-her

Snow must come... and fall

I want a snowfall kind of love
The kind of love that quiets the world
I want a snowfall kind of love
Cause I'm a snowfall kind of girl

I want a snowfall kind of love
That lights up the sky from below
I want a snowfall kind of love
That brings people to their window

Won't you bury me in your quiet love?
Oh bury me in your quiet love
Oh bury me in your quiet love
And we will blow away
- Ingrid Michaelson

Obama was a transfer student

...

http://www.usnews.com/articles/education/2009/01/16/obamas-lessons-for-transfer-students.html

his life and my life are not so simple.

What I learned today

Lots about the Mississippi River and its history with dredging and environmental degradation.

and most importantly...

there is such a think as "Guys gone wild" thank you Logo channel for this commercial geared towards gay men it is paired well with the L word.

Favorite Image

My mom found this image in a paper one day and its been on our fridge ever since.
She said; "your the yellow one, different from the rest and trying to keep up with the pack".

My friends that know me well understand my fixation with little yellow ducks, and this is the reason. Each time I see that clipping it reminds me why I keep pushing and pushing.

Hardest of Hearts

I find it hard to look at life with a silver lining. Perhaps I have been become blind to lifes glories or perhaps I see that everyone smiles for no reason. My roommate has swine flu, I am domed. Great. And even with her having gone home to get well, she left her germs, that will infect me. I dont have time for illness.

As a tribute to my pessimistic attitude towards life I will be coming home to do work this weekend, locking myself in with tea and coffee, its going to be a long one.

Its times like these

Sometimes you need to know when to give in,
You need to know when to much is to much,
When too much is to little,
You need to know when you can’t take it anymore.

This has been an on going growing experience, October fuck you. I have dropped a class, taken on too much for me to handle and given in. Ouch, keep forgetting that I am not the type of person that can reading 500+ pages of reading every three days- still dyslexic after all this time.

I feel like I’ve failed, in so many ways. Academics are never my strong point, but I go to a good school so I have to make it 'seem' like I know what I am doing; this time it’s much harder.

I keep: Learning, growing, teaching others.

Personal life= saga (what else is new)

Doors have been slammed in face, literally/figuratively/spiritually. On the upside, I will have fresh-ink in this next month, hurray.

Someone already wrote the words to explain my emotions

You know you'll never be lonely, no you'll always be loved
And maybe you never need more than that
But for the surplus that loves, what's to become of us?
Does it even register on your conscience?

Long for one last showdown from a box in a crowd
Air compressed tight to explode
I'm clenching my ticket to the only way out
As you disappear in a puff of smoke

It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
- Imogen

Dreamin' Alone

Feeling like I was never going to make it in this world was how I felt the day it dawned on me that I was always going to be dyslexic. I knew that the struggles that I was facing would always be real, always persist, and that unless I accepted my fate I was never going to be able to cope with my disability. I have made many strides as a person from that day, not just in understanding, but in goal setting, drive and wanting for a better tomorrow. The best thing that has happened to me as a result for my learning disability is not one thing at all, but two. First is that I have an ability to see the world with a bit more sympathy then the common individual. Second is that I have found my true voice.

The ability to have a heightened awareness for those who are struggling has occurred over time. I have become more sympathetic to others’ disabilities and understanding how they may be struggling. This has made me more of a rounded person then my participation in sports and the arts. Having this sympathy and understanding helps me in other faculties of life. The results is that I have tapped into different activities that although they may have seemed interesting from the outside, I never would have had as significant a passion for them. An example of this is my taking American Sign Language (ASL) for my foreign language requirement. I was never given the opportunity to take any form of foreign language classes in middle or high school. When given the chance here at Landmark I could not pass on the offer. The deaf community is very similar to the LD community, they are both very misunderstood. I have found in part to my understanding and drive for a better tomorrow I saw an opportunity laid out before me. I have grown in my understanding and awareness of the deaf community, a community that I never would have known had I not the compassion or drive to dig deeper.

The ability to have understanding for yourself in a setting is crucial. For someone with a learning disability diagnosis, the demand is much more heightened. Understanding myself and my diagnoses is quintessential for my current and future success. Finding my true voice was an extremely difficult task. I was handed one a voice, or identity, with my diagnosis, and the mental sigma that it carried was a difficult one to break down. It took years of learning to understand myself and my diagnosis to aid in finding my voice. I did not understand why this was necessary until my early high school years. I went to a public middle school and then transitioned to my town’s public high school. Not to say that my middle school was sheltered, but the way my transition went was a complete debacle. I found my self suck in a world where it seemed not one person understood me, not even those teachers in the LRT (Learning Resource Team) The daunting reality that this was going to be the placed that prepared me for college was not something I was eager to except. I felt doomed.

The first day that I recall standing up for myself was the day that I cracked. It was a Thursday afternoon in mid September afternoon. Play rehearsal for the fall musical was about to begin, however I was running late from oral supplementation with my honors biology teacher Ms.Rainoff. My LRT proctor had to sit in on each supplementation because of an agreement that she was not to be left alone with me, something stemming from her feeling uncomfortable by my fourteen year-old presence. I recall running to the theater, knowing that I was late, however the tears started bursting the closer I got. I realized then that the theater was my escape route, the one place that had no restrictions. There was no one telling me to keep inside the lines, no one criticizing my spelling or comprehension. Having a group that was built around personal success and creative unity, I realized that that the theater allowed me a complete mental escape where I could be myself, without labels or boundaries.

The mental escape to the theater from my learning disability was a gift that allowed me to grow as a person, and to better understand those around me. Without this gift I never would have taken the time to look around, and see the world the way I see it today.

study break...

The majority of my work day is spent with this song on repeat

I am slowly becoming the other women, get excited for this lesbian DRAMA...

But enjoy this fantastic video, my swiss-miss Robyn and Royksopp beat masters

To much techno? Never!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfckrfOYAy4

Made it thus far

Never read so much in my life, forgot how much energy decoding takes from me to read a simple text.

It is officially October break and I am still breathing! I will keep pushing myself further and taking on new and interesting tasks. I love all my classes for this semester, finally done with distribution requirements I can take interesting classes, ie hard literature/writing intensive.

Why am I doing this again?

Website!

Diversions Website!

www.mtholyoke.edu/org/diversions

days and days

Can't sleep, can't turn my mind off I am raising and I feel like I am falling when I close my eyes.

I keep losing weight, 14 pounds since the end of august. Not bad since I need to, but weird because I haven't been doing anything to cause such a reaction, or I don't believe I have.... unless all this time I only needed to read large amounts of text for hours on end, oh moho.

I feel desperate.

Sex, drugs, and texbooks

I very much enjoy my friday class schedule, because I have no classes. Thursday I am done at 12:15 and thats when my weekend starts. How I missed fun friday nights with no drama, just good people and dancing.

But homework fulled saturdays and sundays along with every other night not so much fun. It was a Div's birthday party last night, and waking up this morning was not so easy, especially when I had to drive and meet my parents and sister Courtney and her boyfriend Scott for breakfast. However now I have a freshly baked apple pie and matzo ball soup from mi madre and lots of reading to complete while multi-tasking and doing my 300 plus reading... mmm college

When we sing, when we sing... stars fill up my eyes

Have you ever been serenaded too? Not a mariachi band per say but more like a group of lovely ladies? I can officially check that off my bucket list.

This past Sunday night I was invited to join the Diversions (Divs) A Cappella group here at Moho. Grand Grand GRAND! Saturday was full of additions for three groups, and then I had two callbacks on Sunday starting at around nine am and ending at five fifty to be precise. Two and a half hours later I find out that I got in!

This is more of a mile marker then it may seem. I have been taking a two-year sabbatical from voice, and this is my way of getting back into doing something positive and productive that I enjoy immensely.

So, needless to say I am very excited for this endeavor. I have my first rehearsal tonight… let the thrill begin!

Back in the grove again.
Feels like a new and improved me.
Brilliant.

I really like it here, hope this feelings lasts. I enjoy my classes and for once feel that there is interest in my subjects. Relieved to never have to take math or science or language ever again- can you say a dyslexics dream? I sure as hell can! Brilliant simply brilliant.

But the amount of reading is killing my drive. Although all very interesting and compelling scripts I find that the amount of reading is whats taking up the majority of my time. Once I get in the grove of things it will be more doable.

Theory

Feminisim is a mixed bag in my opinion, one that is full of both high heals and burkenstocks. When asked if I myself am a feminist the answer is not so quick to the tongue. I identify with my female identity and indulge in expressing my curvish figure with pride and grace but am I an activist in doing so, not really.

To me being a feminist means I have to actively defend my femininity to the world at large. Perhaps this comes with age, and perhaps I have grown up in a society and/or bubble of the United States that allows me to express my views in an open fashion to the point where I do not feel as if I am constantly defending myself.

I am not the victim of Rape, a child of slavery or a women that has been defending myself and my freedoms to live equally. In America I feel I do stand on my own two feet and can look a man in the face and know I can go up against him for a job position and that it is my ability that will hail me employment not the genitalia between my legs.

I look at the global issues as resent as this past summer in regards to the Afghanistan law allowing starvation of Shiite wives that do not give sex to their husbands and feel remorse and drive to push for equal rights for all women, not just those whom are of privilege.

Tomorrow!

First day of classes tomorrow, nervessssss!!!!!!

Odd Configurations

Its not that society upsets me, but time crunching expectations does and thus I am lost...

Looks like it will take me two and a half years to finish at Mt.Holyoke, and since I want to have a graduation in the spring I will be graduating in spring 2012 but taking a semester off to either

a) Intern
b) Abroad
c) Work
d) All of the above

I am just an impatient person and this set back is frustrating to say the least. I know that this is the right thing to do, its just not my preferred route.

This is the right thing for me to get the most out of my academics, this is the right thing...

New home away from home, pretty huh?

Vermonto gone Masshole

The time has come for me and Stella the Honda to return to our Masshole roots.

For the past year plus I have had the pleasure of having Vermont State license plates on my civic. Because Vermont is the coolest state in the union I didnt have to change residencies but changing plates saved me close to a thousand dollars in insurance, not to mention the street cred I received!

But alas, my green plates are now white. In honor of the Kennedy's I got the 'Cape Cod and the Islands' plate, for all that they did in preserving the landscape and environment.

Some things never change

Is it sad that the only thing I am excited for on sunday is the new Kourtney and Khloe take Miami?

Seems every time I find myself looking up, something knocks me down. Hope for positive horizons... atleast in the next three days

Importance to me

I find solitude in moments where I realize that I can in fact do this. My nervous are a whirl when I think of school. This is not a new feeling, seems every September doesn’t get easier but harder to deal with as pressures mount.

I know what I am getting myself into, for the most part. I expect the struggles, the long hours, papers, professors that don’t get me. But what scares me the most what gives me the biggest mental hurtle is the reading.

Reading scares the crap out of me. I would be at peace without another text assignment, or semicolon. When people discover that I am dyslexic they think something like ‘You must read backwards’ to that I always –kindly- remind them that not all dyslexics read backwards, and I fall into the exception category. I have never read anything backwards in my life. The common misconceptions that come with my ‘stamped with approval’ disability is in the end what holds me back from allowing myself to reach my full potential.

I fear that my accomplishments are nothing more then a lucky catch, that my failures are what I am supposed to be served day in a day out. I have taken being the worst as a slogan, and being not good enough as my claim to fame. I have been out casted, told to take the bench and hardly ever told to try again. When asked what the worst thing to happen to be as a result of my learning disability is I would have to say that it primarily has to do with my conflicts as a student.

Falling behind in class was something I slowly got used to. Handing in everything on time, however never feeling satisfied with my product I slowly grew used to over time. I was never the star in the class, even if I had the vocabulary phrasing to be, I simply could not express it in ways that my cookie cutter institution asked of me. I was in a system that expressed interest in creativity and individuality but nothing of the sort was expectable come time for production. I was an under achieving smart girl.

Sunday is orientation, and I will be attending for the first time in my life, a school of higher education that values the person I am and the person I will become. A true testament to my hard work over the past… ever.

Visits to western mass remain enthusiastic, thanks to family help along the way. Yesterday was grand, new friends and living room sleepovers. Next year will be a good year.

In Memorial

As the rain falls on Boston, we think of Mr. Ted Kennedy and all he did for this city and for this country. For that we thank you, your legacy will remain

Fear of flying

Is it the fear of the unknown the fear that there is something that we have no control? Or could it be the destination and the return flight that scares us.

I am on the cusp of much change, starting a new chapter and flipping the page with a steady wrist. As I transfer from one school to the next I reflect on all that I have learned and wonder what I will take with me as I continue forward.

My fear of flying is similar to my fear of change.

I knew that when I embarked on my college years I would not be staying in my first college for very long. I never planned on going to a two year college, but it was one of the smartest moves I have made. I also never planned on having so many choices of where to go next.

If the saying is true then you don't know if you made the right choice until you are living and breathing your decision.

Happy to be a Blackberry

I highly enjoy the fact that U2 is the theme-song behind the blackberry advertisement. Not just because they are Irish, but because as cliche as this may sound, the lyrics are quite inspirational.

:Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Pity the nation that won't listen to your boys and girls
'Cause the sweetest melody is the one we haven't heard
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear
The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear
Oh, but a change of heart comes slow:

Now you can call me lame and/or overly hormonal.

Boob-tube

This season my pick for 'top network' goes to the Logo channel. The Logo channel is television geared towards the GLBT community. Over that past 24 hours I most likely have watched ten episodes of "Gimme Sugar" and way to many depressing documentaries- I am in love.

I mean really, how can you not love a network that teaches you so much important information. Just to day I learned the Lesbian equivalent to 'fag-hag' - Lesbro!

Summer is just better with sparkle... and my favorite flannel.

Ellipse

If you haven't already, go to your nearest cd retainer and purchase Imogen Heaps new album "Ellipse". It has been two long years without any fairy dust in my life.. she to me is a true muse. Her music is constructed in such a way that leaves me baffled.

Watching clips from live performances and having seen her once live before I am still marveled by her talent that seems to be endless.

Thus far I have listened to the album once threw and it is stunning, stunning and more stunning! She is a lyrical genius put simply.

I strongly encourage you to rather then getting a latte at lunch, spend an extra four dollars on a masterpiece, besides lattes have more dairy then caffeine...

New music... finally

As most of you know, one of my long time addictions has been a Tegan and Sara. Not just because they are the cutest lesbians, but mainly because they are two of the most respected female musicians making music today.

Their last album titled 'The Con' came out in late summer of 2007. Produced by TnS as well as Chris Walla from Death Cab for Cutie. On the record can be found sprinklings of indie gods; Kaki King, Jason Gerr and Matt Sharp just to name a few.

I am a live music fan, and Tegan and Sara's live shows are some of the greatest I have been able to enjoy. Their 'banter' brings about a sense that the audience is in on the jokes and life long friends of the band. Marketing scheme? Well whatever it is, its working.

What will Tegan and Sara's 'Sainthood' out this coming October 27th bring to the table... we will have to wait and see.

let me introduce myself

I wonder how long this will last.

The name is Jennifer, I am from the suburbs of Boston and I am a new blogger. I am dyslexic and want to use this blog as a way to voice my opinions, find progress and update family and friends on the goings on in my life.

Cheers to this first entry, expect more shortly.