Lately while wondering

I have been in these hills for not even two weeks now and I am completely exhausted. I have been grappling with the feeling that I will be spending two more months here and two weeks of those weeks I will be essentially alone in a dorm room that doesnt belong to me and my days will consist of data entry and secretarial spazums. Mmm yes.

In a years review when reflecting back at how I felt last summer on this day I felt a similar mix of emotions. One that consisted of hopes and dreams and anxiety packaged together resulting in making changes and personal goals to drive me forward. I feel like today, a year later my outlook is still anxious but completely different, I hope to be back with those I care most about, I dream to be with the one I love, two months just two more months.

The next few weeks will test my patience, will hopefully teach me a bit more about myself and how I relate and interact with others, but all in all I will survive being a resident assistant for a high school academic program, somehow. In this next month I will bring everything I have to the table.

Copy and post-it

Rather I can do anything and be the person I am, thank you.

Write what you know

Eleanor said it best:

One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes, and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility - E. Roosevelt

Adventures

Stunning Image from my recent trip to Lake George in upstate New York.

It's those summer days, those hot nights where you want to sleep alone on a cold bed with eight fans on. Those nights you cant seem to get enough sleep because your so sweaty that every fiber of your being is stuck to something, stuck to the bed frame, the sheets, the air. You feel trapped and suffocated but at the same time you feel refreshed that its summer and all your academic worries have drifted from your mental state, but have they?

I feel conflicted, like I forgot something along the last month of my life, did I miss a paper or deadline, did I forget to call someone? I forgot to take it all in that I finished my first year in a new place, that is what I forgot to do. I knew it was being done, that the finish was there but suddenly it was noon on the last day of finals and I was done, but I forgot how it happened.

sidenote of 100%

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed - Carl Gustav Jung

And in the end

We hope for the best,
We plan for the worst.

We expect to learn,
We understand if we fail.

But in the end all the matters is who we meet along the way.

Satisfy my soul

Yup, back at this place again. The place where you will procrastinate on ANYTHING just to avoid work. Finals. Cheers to life and all this paper glory.

I have made it to this round, round one year completed. One year down at Mt.Holyoke, two left. Crazy to think that a year ago I was just hearing back from the ten schools I had applied to, and now I have completed a year. (Completed in the classroom sense, still have three papers and final video project left... one papers due tomorrow but w.e) Comical really, the fact that I have resorted to writing on a blog rather then type four pages about Shackleton...drive motivation, what is that?

Back to the grind, see you on the other side of next thursday.

For the haters

They say that it has to do with the way you were raised, the way your mother tucked you in at night, the way your father interacted with you as a small child when you would cry in his arms, they say its how you ask for forgiveness.

I've traveled, I've fallen, I've got myself back up again just to be back at the start. It's like a 'lose a turn' card but only in the game of life but this time it is real and you can't just role again next time. This time it's fixed, set, and solid.

I have found ways to beat myself up, take myself down from the material objects that make up my representation of societal markers. I have found ways to turn the crudest of insults into the most graceful tonged words you have ever heard.

Try me, I will bring it.

All this emotion, all this passion but for what for the fight to the finish, who says I want to finish? Who says I have to finish? I feel this pressure to 'be good', this pressure to break myself into this box, this things that I 'must' become. I have heard good reason, I have found it within me to keep going, but don't ever think that this drive is from your lack of interest. Never be confussed that this fire is from something you have done.

May you never see me win.

Poster of a girl

Chuckles in the darkness, no that's just me doing this invisible dance. You see I like you loads, more then most and you bring out the best in my day dreaming 'search for the largest rock to sit on' self.

Lets talk about bliss; its my new jam.I feel this maturity and confidence that I have been missing for such a long time. I found this ability to be to protect myself yet reveal myself. Growth and much more to come.

Ive learned to be open, to take chances and just move with it. She swept me in took my hand and said she liked me, more then just a pretty little thing I cling on to, more then a riveting genius more then a great hair-cut more then exceeding expectation. I was able to look at my map turn it upside down and start walking. Bliss.

Long overdue

These letters are more to me then just symbols, these letters represent the largest part of me, these letters are the meaning of my struggle, these letters are the clay that has sculpted me, these letters are me.

I chose to have 'Strephosymbolia' tattooed not because its a direct reflection of my existence but because of what it truly means; "twisted symbols". My life for as long as I can remember has had twists and turns ups and downs role-overs and break downs, my mind has been a whirl of imagination, haunting and desire. Strephosymbolia is more then just the history of the word dyslexia, it is representation of my daily hurtles. I wear my learning difference and diagnosis as a badge of honor and a source of great seclusion. The location of this tattoo reflects those emotions perfectly. I am a curvy girl, my hips and thighs are reflections of both pride and remorse, I wanted a place that was vulnerable to me but represented me, and what could have been a better place!

I have been blessed with family and friends that support me for who I am and where I have come from but each day my learning experience, my social interactions, my ability to think is different then others because I am so conscious of how I absorb information.

I have made so many feats in my life despite opposition from others, I have kept going when I was told I couldn't do better then where I stood. I was the girl with wide eyes and big dreams but just couldn't get it, couldn't do the simple task of reading and writing out my knowledge. I was six years old when they learned that I was dyslexic and had a central auditory processing disorder, it took me until the 7th grade to learn how to read on my own.

My goal is to spread awareness about the importance of early intervention for all learning differences, my hope is that my story can help someone.

Spring 'Break'

Take home mid-terms should not be assigned over breaks its just not fair. Because for people like me who see all this time to complete it will take 15 minute sessions a day to think about all the progress they could be making, but instead will do anything but the thing I should be doing.

Which brings me to today, I was up until 7:30am working on my mid-term, woke up promptly at 12 and have been working on it ever since. Its due monday, it has to be done, so it will. Do or die time. Oh and I have a book to finish by monday also, a book that I have 30 pages read in. Good thing I did all my normal class readings two weeks early.

Ahh academia, you slay me.

fly out

Do I want to date you or be you?

Truth be told

New hair dooooo. Dyed black (a bit ago) and now cut off even shorter. I just keep justifying my thug on the daily. I promise I am not that ghostly white, it is just the lamp on my desk.

As we look around

There are so many issues with this situation; life has come and gone and we never stop and remember that this moment will be over before we even get a chance to treasure it.

I over analyze everything, the way I breath the way I talk the way I interact with people how people interact with me; you name it I have analyzed it in some way. But what I don't understand is how people can be so blind to the good. How we can sit around and never find the true essence of another, how we simply forget to appreciate each other for the simple beauties that we all are.

Because of this we don't give ourselves the respect we deserve and the rippled effect of this is not respecting others. I have come to understand in my 20 short years here on earth that I am wonderful, its not cocky it is simply true. Me, I, self is wonderful, I give and I love and I fail but I try and that is all I can do. I do my best to give my best and expect that something at some point will go my way, that somewhere along some road I will find it. ('It' being that mystifying thing we search for; money, greed, fame, success, love, lust, family etc.)

Possitivity, its my new jazz.
I am only a creature, a being but I myself am wonderful.

Novel

I wrote this a long time ago, simply titled 'Dyslexia: A love affair'

The ringer to my imaginary dial tone
Take the pages flip them, burn them, rip them
Seize the fighting dance and turn it into a poetic ballet
Lacking ability or so it is stated

I was yours, you broke me

Life is fireflies in the darkness
Delayed imaginary theories brought on silver platters
Shoulders cupped like pooled waters
Lifeless like an infants cry

I am distant like the ocean

Violet is the morning, rusty with leftover dewdrops
Hovering, hovering distance
Sing the phrases of my existence
Sing the lapping ever-longing hum of societies claimed professors

I am free, I am breathing

Beautiful grace, heavenly dusk
Mournful dove broken by dreams
Rosemary sprinkled daybreak

I am longing, I will wait

Losing in every moment, attempting to get by
Breathing in the negative surrounding
Suffocate on letters and sounds
A Genetic disposition

and it comes and goes

There comes a time where you need to give in, where fighting is irrelevant, where hoping for better is useless and where giving up is your best option. On most occasions I never say never, but recently things have been so unsecure that I feel like giving up is the best option.

This is not about one things, hardship or dilemma but more the moral of giving in taking my loses as they come packing up and heading out. No I am not transferring this is just my mental state in the current, I dwell, to much, I need a hobby something to get my extra energy out on, but yet I feel constant fatigue and no energy when I am given the opportunity.

Possibly this is because of the dwelling...

Brighter tomorrows and happy todays. I carry on, chipper and light with an air in my step hoping someone finds me fun and enjoyable enough to skip with me.

Ladies

Ladies,

its Valentines Day, or an hour and a half past its true date. Single, and ready to mingle- its what we live for, the motto not the action, cause lets face it, we never feel ready to mingle. I go to a women's college and still my lesbionic self has issues getting my grove on. great life.

So here I quote Beyonce:

"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup I couldnt care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention don't pay him any attention
Cuz you had your turn but now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me"

Happy Holidays

Free

When 'Free' is typed in google images, this is your first result, cheers.

State of mind

I am worth more then the grade I get, worth more then the lust I feel, worth more then the glances of a disapproving glare. I am worth more then the situations I am in and even when I know I am smarter enough to leave I stay, because I was instructed to fight till I can't fight anymore, till there isn't anything I could have done that I didn't try my hardest to do.

I deserve more then the second-class citizen status I fall under.

I am worth more then a failing long-term relationship, I am worthy of being chosen first, but first and to remain first. I am worth the tears I cry the pain I endure to keep treading in another’s web of mistakes. I am worth it all but still I end up more empty then when I came.

I deserve sincerity, realness and raw unrefined emotion.

Fucking bring it, I am armed in worth.

Just a day in the life

So long J-term hello Spring Semester.

First week into the new semester and I have high hopes. Bringing what I learned from my first semester as a Mt.Holyoke transfer student I feel rejuvenated and awake to the open door in front of me. This semester is going to fly by before I know it. Already one A Cappella concert down, four new div's to be sung in at 8pm, a book report and autobiography paper due friday; group this with sleep deprivation and personal dilemma and you have me week one.

I am overly optimistic, ready for the challenge and eager for spring. The blistering winds that whip around the brownstone buildings of this South Hadley campus wake me up each morning. I have a swanktastic single, complete with Keurig coffee maker and ten throw pillows- things are looking up up and uppp.

Update on: lifestyle

Change has swiftly become a part of my new year; a new tattoo! More pictures and explanation to 'twisted symbols' too come.

Montreal tomorrow for Tegan and Sara with a lovely friend.

fact:

We always know how the story ends. What we don't know is what happens along the way - Ahdaf Soueif

Second Welcome

With just 9 days into the New Year, I send a delayed welcome to 2010. Welcome and be good to us.

With this New Year I will be kicking it off with a new permanent addition to my life/body etc. A new tattoo is on my horizon. I know this was mentioned before, but now a date time and deposit have been made. Excitement. The last time I got a tattoo was close to a year ago (Rossetti on my inner foot) and this one means a lot. Pictures to follow.

Another delayed moment. I have always loved Adele, she’s simply magic. I have sang two of her songs before, one for a coffee house and one for my a cappella group (Hometown, and Right as Rain) but never knew any of her other music. So over Christmas Holiday I finally got around to purchasing her album 19. Every lyrics I could quote as explaining my life that much easier. Its music like this that makes me want to sing, and conveniently my a cappella group will be recording during the end of this month, and yours truly will be features, hold the applause.

With 2010 fresh and new I feel that a new start is in order. Jumping in with a new tattoo will help put things in perspective swiftly and with a little pain. I am done with the bullshit and ready to take on a change. I successfully passed this semester, not my greatest work, but I passed! I am o-k with a 3.0 gpa.

Lets do this!

Bliss, I think so

Three Lesbionic Geniuses.