Importance to me

I find solitude in moments where I realize that I can in fact do this. My nervous are a whirl when I think of school. This is not a new feeling, seems every September doesn’t get easier but harder to deal with as pressures mount.

I know what I am getting myself into, for the most part. I expect the struggles, the long hours, papers, professors that don’t get me. But what scares me the most what gives me the biggest mental hurtle is the reading.

Reading scares the crap out of me. I would be at peace without another text assignment, or semicolon. When people discover that I am dyslexic they think something like ‘You must read backwards’ to that I always –kindly- remind them that not all dyslexics read backwards, and I fall into the exception category. I have never read anything backwards in my life. The common misconceptions that come with my ‘stamped with approval’ disability is in the end what holds me back from allowing myself to reach my full potential.

I fear that my accomplishments are nothing more then a lucky catch, that my failures are what I am supposed to be served day in a day out. I have taken being the worst as a slogan, and being not good enough as my claim to fame. I have been out casted, told to take the bench and hardly ever told to try again. When asked what the worst thing to happen to be as a result of my learning disability is I would have to say that it primarily has to do with my conflicts as a student.

Falling behind in class was something I slowly got used to. Handing in everything on time, however never feeling satisfied with my product I slowly grew used to over time. I was never the star in the class, even if I had the vocabulary phrasing to be, I simply could not express it in ways that my cookie cutter institution asked of me. I was in a system that expressed interest in creativity and individuality but nothing of the sort was expectable come time for production. I was an under achieving smart girl.

Sunday is orientation, and I will be attending for the first time in my life, a school of higher education that values the person I am and the person I will become. A true testament to my hard work over the past… ever.

Visits to western mass remain enthusiastic, thanks to family help along the way. Yesterday was grand, new friends and living room sleepovers. Next year will be a good year.

Fear of flying

Is it the fear of the unknown the fear that there is something that we have no control? Or could it be the destination and the return flight that scares us.

I am on the cusp of much change, starting a new chapter and flipping the page with a steady wrist. As I transfer from one school to the next I reflect on all that I have learned and wonder what I will take with me as I continue forward.

My fear of flying is similar to my fear of change.

I knew that when I embarked on my college years I would not be staying in my first college for very long. I never planned on going to a two year college, but it was one of the smartest moves I have made. I also never planned on having so many choices of where to go next.

If the saying is true then you don't know if you made the right choice until you are living and breathing your decision.